


Dagger Of The Heart

by fiveainley_ohmy



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brainwashing, Episode: s01e10 Dagger of the Mind, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Jim/Helen (a tiny bit), everyone ships it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 11:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16491932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveainley_ohmy/pseuds/fiveainley_ohmy
Summary: What if Spock had been the one to go down to the penal colony with Jim instead of Dr. Noel?





	Dagger Of The Heart

_Captain's log, stardate 2715.2. Standard orbit, planet Tantalus V. Mission: routine investigation and report as per ship surgeon's medical log. As for my last entry, it seems I will get to meet Doctor Adams at last. However, I would have preferred other circumstances..._

Jim handed his log recorder off to the yeoman on duty and got out of his chair, heading over to Spock's station. "Sickbay," he said, and Spock immediately brought up Bones's face. "Report, Doctor."

"Van Gelder's still violently agitated, Captain," Bones stated.

"And you'd prefer to keep him here until I complete my investigation anyway," Jim inferred.

"I believe we should, Jim," Spock chimed in.

"Oh, I'm assigning your technical aide, Captain," Bones added. "One of our psychiatrists does have a background in rehabilitative therapy. Doctor Noel, standing by in the transporter room now."

"Thank you, Doctor. Bridge out. Mister Spock?"

Jim and Spock rode the turbolift down to the transporter room and checked in with the transporter operator on staff. But when the two men turned and saw a doe-eyed, petite yet curvy science officer standing on the transporter pad, they both froze.

The psychiatrist smiled. "Doctor Helen Noel, Captain. We've met?"

Jim turned his head to Spock, suddenly feeling guilty for some reason. Spock gave him the oddest look-somehow combining suspicion, disdain, and perhaps even amusement, all while keeping that admirable Vulcan stoicism. Jim felt a blush crawling up his neck. He stiffly climbed onto the transporter pad beside the woman.

"Don't you remember the science lab Christmas party?" Helen said, _sotto voce_ , but certainly loud enough for Vulcan ears to pick up.

Jim could feel that blush deepen. "Yes, I remember," he mumbled.

"You dropped in-"

"Yes, yes, I remember," Jim whispered curtly.

"Problem, Captain?" Spock asked loudly.

Jim cast him a look. Smug bastard. Smug...handsome bastard. "No, no, not at all."

"Dr. Noel, I think I will be accompanying the Captain to the colony instead," said Spock.

"Oh, but Dr. McCoy-"

"May take it up with me if he has an objection. I think you would be better suited here, helping Mr. Van Gelder."

Helen hesitated, casting a look at Jim. "Captain?"

"Perhaps Mister Spock is right," said Jim, feeling a wave of relief wash over him.

Spock held out his hand to her. "If I may take your tricorder?"

Helen nodded, somewhat reluctantly removing the tricorder from across her body and handing it to Spock.

"Thank you," Spock said, taking her place. "Whenever you're ready, Captain."

Jim cleared his throat. "Energize."

* * *

Once they were down on the planet's surface, Jim turned to Spock. "What were you doing up there, countermanding a senior officer's direct order?"

"My apologies, Captain. But I sensed that you were...uncomfortable in Dr. Noel's presence."

"I...would have been fine," Jim lied.

"I'm sure you would have been the utmost professional, as always. However, as your first officer, it is my duty to make your job easier."

Jim huffed, embarrassed and slightly anxious and _still_ blushing like a bride for some reason. "Just between the two of us, Mister Spock...what she implied...well, what happened at that Christmas party...it wasn't like how she made it sound."

Spock's eyes softened, and he finally decided to take pity on the captain. "I know you do not carry on inappropriate relationships with junior crew members, Jim."

Jim felt some tension leave his shoulders. "Well...thank you. But considering this _reputation_ I seem to have gained over the years, I doubt many people share your perception of me. And people like that certainly don't help...look, I did talk to her...maybe I flirted _a little_...and then somehow we ended up under the mistletoe and I kissed her on the cheek. I was hoping I wouldn't run into her again. Or if I did, she would at least keep it professional."

"It is over now, Captain. Let us not dwell on it," said Spock, and Jim noticed a tiniest hint of an edge to his voice, as if Spock was annoyed by Jim flirting with people. Well, he would be, wouldn't he? The stern, serious Vulcan likely didn't have patience for frivolous human affairs. Sometimes Jim envied the man, for not having to suffer the complicated emotions involving romance and sex.

It sure would make things easier.

Jim nodded. "Sorry. Um...after you?" he gestured to the turbolift entrance for the underground colony.

"Thank you," said Spock, leading Jim into the turbolift.

As soon as the doors were shut, the turbolift—much faster and less smooth of a ride as the one on their ship—jolted to life, plummeting down below the surface of the planet. Jim, startled by the abrupt motion, grabbed onto the closest steady thing—Spock.

Jim froze in the Vulcan's arms, slowly looking up at him. "I-I'm sorry. I lost my balance-"

"I understand, Captain. It is a most sudden drop. We must be traveling many feet below the surface."

Jim gulped. The Vulcan's lips were only about an inch away from his. Had Jim been the same height or taller than Spock, he might have accidentally kissed the man. He could feel his heart pounding like thunder in his chest and again, flushed with embarrassment, knowing there was no way Spock could miss it. "I wouldn't recommend it for weak hearts," he said weakly, untangling himself from Spock's grasp.

Good lord, what was wrong with him today? Acting like a yeoman with a crush?

 _Maybe 'cause you've got it bad for Spock?_ suggested a voice in his head that suspiciously seemed to have a Southern drawl.

The turbolift slowed to a halt, and the door slid open to reveal a man with salt-and-pepper curls. He smiled at the two of them in a way that rather made Jim feel like how a mouse must feel before a snake clamps its jaws around it and engulfs it. "Hello, Captain Kirk," said Dr. Adams. "And, er..."

"Commander Spock," the Vulcan introduced himself, giving the sign for _live long and prosper_ in lieu of shaking the man's hand. "I serve as the chief science officer aboard the _Enterprise_."

"Ah, how excellent! Perhaps then you'll find our revolutions in criminal rehabilitation intriguing."

"I think we both will," said Jim, forcing himself to go into Captain-mode—today must be an off day for him, that's all. "May we?"

"Of course," said Dr. Adams, moving out of the way so he and Spock could step out, still leering. An old nursery rhyme came to Jim: _Never smile at a crocodile. No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile. Don't be taken in by his friendly grin. He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin..._

* * *

Dr. Adams took the two men on a brief tour of the facility, and introduced them to some of the reformed prisoners. The gut instinct continued to nag Jim as he stared into the prisoners' dead, expressionless eyes. It was like a colony of zombies.

Then Dr. Adams brought them into a small control room with a one way glass looking into another room. This room had a chair, like that of a dentist, in the center of it, with another glassy eyed prisoner sitting in it.

"A neural neutralizer," Adams explained. "Experimental. Actually, we don't expect to get much use out of it at all." He pointed to what looked like a light fixture on the ceiling of the other room. "That beam from above neutralizes brain waves, relaxes the patient's mind. Does them no harm, of course, and the effects are only temporary.”

"One question, Doctor," said Jim. "If it doesn't do any good-"

"Why do we go on using it, hmm, Captain? Hope. Yes, yes, there's always that slight chance that it might do some good in the more violent cases." Adams looked at Spock. "You're familiar with operant conditioning, aren't you, Mister Spock?"

"A bit. It is much like the collars that humans used to put on their pet canines in the old Earth days. These collars were controlled by a remote, that the master would use to deliver a small jolt of electricity to the animal, in an attempt to train it through negative reinforcement."

"Exactly. You shock the dog when he barks, and eventually he'll learn to expect the shock, and stop barking," Adams said with a smile.

"But shock collars were outlawed a long time ago," Jim pointed out. "They were deemed an inhumane form of obedience training."

"Ah, well, we're not being _cruel_ to the patients, Captain. We're not causing them pain in the chamber. Just a bit of cognitive suggestion. I only used the shock collars as a generic example of conditioning. You understand, don't you, Mister Spock?"

"I do."

"You see? Your science officer agrees with me."

"No, sir. I said I understand. I do not know that psychotherapy such as this is any more ethical than the shock collar. Some might wonder if this...neural neutralizer is a form of brainwashing."

Adams laughed. "Oh, gentlemen, really, you're thinking about this too much. Come with me, you still haven't seen the living quarters for the patients..."

Adams began to lead them away, but Jim paused, staring at the man preparing to operate the neutralizer. "How does it work?" he asked cautiously.

"Quite simple," said the man in the same slow, dull tone as the other "patients" on this colony. "Off/on switches, and the large control here changes the strength of the brain neutralizing beam."

"Captain, you and Mister Spock remind me of the ancient skeptic who demanded of the wise old sage to be taught all the world's wisdom while standing on one foot," chuckled Adams.

"Professional curiosity, Dr. Adams; you can't blame me for that." Jim looked at Spock, who Jim could tell was thinking hard. "Mr. Spock, your thoughts?"

Spock answered after a moment. "Beam neutralizing has been experimented with on Earth," he commented. "Although I still find myself unsure of these methods myself, I would not presume that Doctor Adams has created a chamber of horrors here."

"I didn't mean to suggest that he had," Jim said. "The reason I asked, sir, was you haven't mentioned where Doctor Van Gelder's injury occurred."

"Right here, Captain," said Adams. "Yes, Simon was a very stubborn man. He could've sat in that room for years with the beam at that volume or even higher. Or if he simply had someone standing by to snap it off in case he got into trouble, but, but no. He tried it alone and on full volume. It's a pity."

Suddenly Jim's communicator beeped. Jim pulled it out of its holster and flipped it open. "Kirk here."

"It's McCoy, Jim. We've had a bit of a breakthrough with Van Gelder. Is Dr. Adams with you?"

"Affirmative."

There was a pause. Then McCoy said, "Captain, we haven't been able to get much out of the patient, but he has said something about a 'neural neutralizer.'"

"I've seen it, I'm standing by it right now. Doctor Adams was just explaining to us how Van Gelder injured his mind with it...did he mention anything else?"

Another pregnant pause.

"Your ship's doctor, I would presume," said Adams.

"Yes," said Jim.

"Well he sounds like a most capable caregiver, Captain Kirk. Please tell him to go ahead and speak freely. I have to check in with a member of my staff anyway."

"Thank you, Doctor Adams." Jim beckoned for Spock to follow him to a more secluded spot, away from listening ears. "Okay, Bones, it's just us chickens now. What's he said?"

"Van Gelder is extremely agitated, Jim, and he said that you're in danger..."

* * *

Jim and Spock, though they had no proof of Dr. Adams's wrongdoing apart from the ravings of a man in extreme mental distress and their own gut instincts, decided to stay the night and get a first hand look at the neural neutralizer for themselves. "Can you operate the machine, Spock?" Jim asked.

"I probably could...but you were the one to receive a demonstration of how it worked. I believe that you should stay in the booth and operate the controls, while I undergo the beam."

"Spock, I'm not so sure about this," Jim said.

"Captain, I am the most logical candidate. As a Vulcan, I will not be as susceptible to the beam's suggestion."

Jim pretended to look offended. "Mister Spock, are you saying my brain isn't as good as yours?"

"Jim, it was not my intention to insult-"

"I'm just teasing you," Jim said with a reassuring laugh. "But in all seriousness...this isn't just some misguided attempt to...protect me, is it?"

"I..." If Jim didn't know any better, he would swear there was a slight green blush to the Vulcan's cheeks. "...do not believe the beam would cause you any cerebral damage. However, since you are the one who saw how the controls are operated, and I am the one who is practiced in Vulcan mental defenses, it is only logical-"

"Alright Spock, I see what you mean. I surrender. Now let's hurry before someone catches us at this."

Jim ducked into the booth as Spock settled himself in the chair. He pushed the off/on switch and, as he waited for the machine to warm up, studied his Vulcan friend, stretched out on the exam chair like a cat in a patch of sun. Jim had often admired the awkward yet graceful way his first officer carried himself. So much heavier than a human—though one wouldn't guess it from that lean figure—but adept to a more intense gravity than Earth's, or the artificial gravity of the ship. Jim wondered if Spock felt especially heavy or especially light in non-Vulcan atmospheres. He wondered how he'd fare on Vulcan. Maybe someday the two of them might take shore leave on Spock's home world and Jim could find out...

"I am ready whenever you are, Jim," said Spock from the chair.

Jim jumped, shaken out of his reverie. The machine was ready to go. "Right." His fingers twitched over the controls until the right knob jumped out at him. "I'm turning the dial to minimum intensity, just for a second or two," Jim said into the comm.

The beam illuminated Spock for a moment as Jim brought it up, and Spock's face suddenly went completely blank. Jim had never seen such an expression on the Vulcan's usually deeply pensive face. He turned the beam back down and Spock reanimated. "Try the beam on minimum intensity, for just a moment," he suggested.

Jim blinked. "I...I just did."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Really? I felt nothing."

"Huh. Well, maybe we should try it again, this time with a...harmless suggestion," Jim said.

Spock nodded. "Proceed," he said, lying back in the chair.

Jim raised the beam again, and Spock's face fell blank once more. "You're tired," Jim said into the comm, then shut off the beam again.

Spock raised a hand to his mouth as he yawned. "I do not know how long these trials will take, Jim, but I am feeling quite fatigued."

"I told you that!" said Jim brightly. "I turned on the beam and told you you were tired!"

"I suppose the neutralizer works then, because I should not need to sleep for 1.37-"

"Alright, alright, no need to brag about your superior Vulcan physique." Jim again eyed Spock's stretched out body through the window. _Boy, is it superior._ "So, you don't remember anything from when the beam was on?" he asked, an idea suddenly forming in his head.

"No."

"Um...let's do it one more time. There's something I want to try."

Spock nodded, and Jim raised the beam once more. "At that Christmas party, with Dr. Noel...I didn't really feel anything for her," he said into the comm. "I was feeling lonely, and well...I actually went to that party...to find you. I should have known you wouldn't be there. But I'll tell you one thing, Spock...I wish it had been you under the mistletoe with me that night instead."

Jim stared at his best friend again. He watched at Spock's mouth curved into a shy smile, and he raised a hand to lightly touch his lips, as if imagining kissing Jim as well. The sight gave Jim butterflies.

Suddenly hands grabbed him. Jim gasped as two colonists yanked him away from the comm. Doctor Adams slid into view, grinning wickedly. "Now our Mister Spock is going to have a complete demonstration," he said. "I want there to be no doubts whatsoever in his mind."

"Don't you dare hurt him!" Jim growled, fighting against the men holding him back, to no avail.

"Hurt him? I wouldn't dream of it. Quite the opposite, in fact. I haven't had the privilege of working with a Vulcan brain yet..." Adams hummed thoughtfully, then turned to the comm. "You're madly in love with the Captain, Spock. You'd lie, cheat, steal for him, sacrifice your career, your reputation."

Spock again got a dreamy expression on his face.

"No! You can't!" Jim yelped. "He's a Vulcan! You can't force him to love!"

"The pain," Adams continued. "Do you feel it, Spock? You must have him, or the pain grows worse, the pain, the longing for him."

Spock's face fell. He shuddered. "Jim... _ashayam_..."

"No!" Jim cried again. "Spock, fight it!"

"For years, you've loved him, Spock. For years."

"For years, I've loved you," Spock rasped.

Jim shivered, his eyes closing. He'd dreamed of hearing Spock say that he loved him for such a long time—a fact he was only just now realizing—but to have it happen in such a perverted way...

"You must continue to remember that, Spock," said Adams. "And now, he's gone." He twisted the dial to maximum.

Jim's heart shattered as Spock cried out in agony. He twitched in the chair. "Jim! James! Please come back! I need you!" he shouted.

Adams turned the machine back down. "Now Spock, you must take your phaser weapon and drop it on the floor."

Spock raised his handheld phaser. He stared at it in his hand, and for just a moment, Jim thought he could see Spock's consciousness breaking through the beam's influence. "Sp-!" he tried to call out, but one of the colonists clamped their hand over his mouth.

"Spock, the pain increases unless you obey me," Adams warned calmly.

"I must...drop it," said Spock slowly, letting it clatter to the floor.

"Very good, Spock. Very good indeed. And now your communicator. Drop it on the floor."

Spock painstakingly pulled out his communicator. Jim thought he was about to let it fall too, but then-

"Spock to _Enterprise_!" Spock cried weakly into the device.

 _Attaboy!_ Jim bit down on the hand that was gagging him. "Fight it, Spock! You can do it!" he shouted when the colonist jerked his hand away.

Doctor Adams quickly turned the power back up. Spock cried out in pain. "Spock to... _Enterprise!_ " he gasped into the communicator, struggling to rise from the chair.

Then Spock collapsed on the floor.

"NO!" Jim yelled.

"Take them out of here," Adams ordered. "Put them in their quarters. Spock will need to sleep off his first session. We can pick it back up when he's rested."

"You absolute lunatic!" Jim shouted. "If you think for one second I'll let you lay a hand on him-"

Suddenly one of the colonists was jabbing a hypo into his neck, and everything went black.

* * *

The next thing Jim knew, he was waking up on one of the beds in the guest quarters, with Spock bent over him, dabbing his forehead with a cool rag. "Spock!" gasped Jim, trying to sit up. "Are you alright?"

"I am well, Jim. You should lie back; they sedated you quite heavily."

"They were torturing you," Jim said, squeezing his arm.

"Yes...I was tortured." Spock's brown eyes turned sad for a moment. "But now, all is well."

"All is well?! In what way?!"

And then, to Jim's utter shock, Spock smiled warmly and cupped his cheek. "I have been reunited with you, my beloved. That is what matters most. And nothing will tear us apart again." And then he leaned forward and kissed Jim.

Jim was frozen for a moment. Cool lips...soft lips...firm lips...Spock's lips.

On his.

Pressing lips. Seeking lips. Demanding lips.

Jim's eyes closed of their own accord, and he melted into the kiss, letting out a soft whimper. Good lord, he had dreamed of this moment so many times, but the fantasy was a pale shadow of the reality. Spock's kisses were sweet and seductive and gentle and self-assured—not at all like Jim thought his kisses would be like. God knows Spock would have to be perfect at this too, as well as everything else.

Jim could have kissed Spock like this forever, but then he remembered the circumstances that had brought them to this moment and he pulled back with a gasp. "Spock, we're still on the penal colony, with that lunatic Adams! We have to contact the ship. We have to get out of here before they run more experiments on you. Or me."

"They will not touch you again," growled Spock. Almost...possessively.

Jim gulped and tried to ignore that fact that a possessive Spock was incredibly hot. "Spock...the doctor did something to you. He made you...have feelings for me."

"Impossible. I have loved you for years, Jim."

Jim's eyes fluttered shut again as Spock stroked his face, and he leaned into the tender touch.

_It's not real. He doesn't...he could never..._

Jim sadly opened his eyes. "Try to remember, Spock. You fought the influence before, you can do it again.

"I've loved you..."

"Adams placed all that in your mind. It's an illusion, Spock."

"...for...years?" Spock looked at Jim in confusion. He was starting to get through to him.

"How could you have loved me for years when I've only been Captain for 10 months? It's the neural neutralizer, it's making you act this way, feel this way."

"I...I don't understand," said Spock.

"We were testing the neutralizer, and I made you yawn, remember that? And Adams came in and his men held me back. Adams told you that you were in love with me. And then he turned up the machine and made you feel pain. Do you remember? Spock, do you remember?"

Spock blinked several times. "I...yes. I remember. It feels like a far away dream...but I remember."

Jim sighed. It was nice while it lasted. "I'm sorry, Spock."

"No, Captain..." Jim cringed at the use of his formal title. No more Jim or James...or 'beloved'. "...I am the one to apologize, for any...unwanted liberties I might have inflicted on you-"

"Spock, you were brainwashed, it wasn't your fault!" _Nor were they unwanted. Oh_ _ **God**_ _, how they were wanted._ "We need to get out of here. Somehow."

"I have been disarmed," Spock said.

"As have I," said Jim, patting his belt. "But there's gotta be a...duct!"

Spock crouched down.

"No, no, Spock, _duct_ ," Jim laughed. He pointed. "You see?"

Spock raised his head and saw the air conditioning vent in the wall. "Ah. I see. You suggest we use the duct as a means of escape, like John McClane."

Jim looked him, impressed. "When did you watch _Die Hard_?"

"Lieutenant Riley suggested it for the ship's movie night two weeks ago."

Jim grinned. "It has to connect with other ducts and tunnels. It might lead to the power supply. If we short-circuited the system, it would cut off the security force field, and our people could come get us. Come on, help me get this cover off."

Together they opened the vent, and Jim and Spock peeped inside. "You're skinnier than me, Spock. You could worm through here and get to the power circuits."

"Captain, they will be back at any moment to put me under the neutralizer again. You must be the one to escape."

Jim frowned. "Spock, are you doing that thing again where you come up with some logical reason for you to be the one in danger so I'll be safe?"

"I...I do not-"

"Yes, you do. That's what got you into this whole mess in the first place."

"But Captain, it _is_ more logical in this instance for you to be the one to go through the air ducts, as you have training in engineering, and will be more adept at shutting down the power supply than me."

"Spock, I have a _gut!_ You don't! And any idiot could shut down a power grid, let alone a Vulcan scientist! Spock..." Jim squeezed Spock's shoulder. "You are the sweetest thing. But you don't have to protect me all the time."

Spock's cheeks again went a slightly darker shade of green. "...of course, Captain. You are correct."

"Of course I am, I'm the Captain." Jim grinned cheekily. "Now hurry, get in there, I think I hear someone coming down the hall." Jim hastily helped to hoist Spock into the vent, then shut the duct and hurried back across the room to the bed before Adams's men showed up.

"Where is the Vulcan?" one asked.

Jim shrugged. "Vulcan? What Vulcan?"

* * *

They escorted Jim into the treatment room and put him in the chair. "Please don't fight me, Captain. The pain only gets worse when you doubt me," said Adams as the beam came on above him. Suddenly Jim felt weightless, as if his body, the chair, the floor, the whole universe, had disappeared. All there was was the light and the voice. "You believe in me completely," said the voice.

"I believe in you," Jim found himself saying.

"You trust me completely."

"I trust you."

"Excellent, Captain. I compliment you. Do you know Doctor Van Gelder was down on his hands and knees sobbing at this point? It was so gratifying. I'm so fortunate to have had a couple of excellent specimens to work with. I've learned a great deal. Now...where is Spock, Captain?"

Spock?

A warm feeling seized Jim, and his mind was suddenly flooded with visions of warm brown eyes, long fingered hands, firm lips, and the cutest ears he'd ever seen. Spock...yes...his friend...his brother in arms...the man he was in love with.

The person he had to protect.

"I...I don't know," Jim said, fighting the entrancing lull of the neutralizer.

Suddenly the light became more intense, and Jim cringed, as if it was burning inside his mind. It clawed at him to obey.

"Where is Spock?" the voice demanded again. "And with what instructions?"

No...Spock. His love. He must be strong for Spock.

"I..." Jim raised himself up. Had to get away from the light. If he didn't, he might break. He fell onto the ground. "...don't know!"

Suddenly the light died, and the pain stopped. Jim gasped.

The power. Spock!

Adams and one of his goons rushed into the treatment room to get him back into the chair. "Find the Vulcan!" Adams ordered. "He's knocked out the pow-!"

Mustering all the strength he had, Jim managed to knock out both Adams and his guard. Then he booked it out of the room. Spock was gonna need backup.

* * *

When Jim got back to his room, he found Spock backing his way out of the vent. "Oh Spock, you did it!" Jim cheered, helping him out.

Spock looked at Jim. "Did they hurt you?" he whispered.

"Oh, I'm fine. They just tried to-"

"Jim, my love, forgive me for not saving you more expediently," Spock croaked, pulling Jim close and kissing him once again.

Damn. The brainwashing wasn't completely out of his system. Jim knew he should stop Spock, snap him out of it, but _goddammit_ , Spock was just too good a kisser for either of their own good.

"Oh, for Pete's sake. You boys pick _now_ to finally start suckin' face?"

Jim and Spock pulled apart to see Bones standing there with a phaser, rolling his eyes. "Of all the goddamn hormone-driven stupidity-"

"Spock was brainwashed," Jim said quickly.

"Huh?"

"Adams's neural neutralizer, he used it on Spock to...the treatment room! Follow me!" Jim bolted for the door, with Spock and Bones in tow.

But when Jim burst into the treatment room, he found that the power to the colony (but not the security force field) had been brought back on, and Adams had been killed by his own machine.

"The machine wasn't on high enough to kill," said Dr. Noel, checking the control panel.

"But he was alone," said Jim. "Can you imagine the mind emptied by that thing? Without even a tormentor for company."

Spock nodded slowly. "I understand."

Jim stared at his friend sadly.

* * *

Back on the ship, Jim sat in his chair as they left orbit of Tantalus V. "Oh, Captain, there was a message from Tantalus colony, sir," said Uhura.

"It was from Van Gelder," Spock added. "He thought you'd like to know the treatment room had been dismantled and the equipment destroyed."

Jim nodded morosely, reflecting on the past two days. "Thank you."

Bones leaned against the back of Jim's chair. "It's hard to believe that a man could die of loneliness."

"Not when you've sat in that room," said Jim. Then he looked over at Spock.

Spock's eyebrows knit together in worry, and Jim could hear another silent apology in his gaze.

Jim smiled at him. Maybe Spock would never love him back. But one thing was for sure: Jim wasn't alone as long as Spock was around. "Take us out of orbit, Mister Spock. Ahead warp factor one."

Spock nodded, reassured. "Acknowledged, Captain. Warp factor one."

"And while you're at it, Mister Spock, you can go ahead and call up whoever is assigned to takeover for you and Jim's shifts. After the latest shenanigans, the two of you are in no state for duty," said Bones.

Jim and Spock both opened their mouths to protest, but Bones cut them off. "You two are off duty for the next 24 hours or so help me, I'll get that Van Gelder to send me the blueprints for that neural neutralizer and build one for myself so I can _make_ you do what I say. Now git!"

Jim looked at Spock and shrugged. "Well...doctor's orders." The two men boarded the turbolift and left the bridge.

Uhura smiled at Bones. "How did that feel?"

Bones grinned back. "A _maz_ ing."

* * *

Several hours later, Jim lay on his back on his bed in his room, staring at the ceiling. What was he going to do? He'd kissed Spock. He loved him. He couldn't keep lying to himself. Or to Spock.

Jim sat up, making a decision. By hook or by crook, he had to tell Spock how he felt. It may well ruin their friendship, but Jim was going to have a nervous breakdown if he didn't come clean soon.

Jim entered their shared bathroom and knocked on Spock's door. "Enter," called the smooth baritone.

Jim took a deep breath and opened the door to see Spock rising from his meditation mat. "Oh, I'm sorry, was I interrupting?"

"Not at all. I had just finished." Spock gestured to the dimly lit room. It was completely dark except for the aromatic candles Spock had lit for his meditation process. "Do you need more light?"

"No, no, it's okay. It's nice. Ambient," said Jim, smiling nervously.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"No, thank you. I actually came to talk to you."

Spock's shoulders sagged slightly. "Ah. About what transpired between us on Tantalus V. I again apologize. I know my actions were inappropriate, but I must ask you to take into consideration that I was under the power of suggestion at the time and thus-"

"Spock, I didn't come to you for another apology," said Jim quickly. "Well...that's not entirely true. I did come to you for an apology...but the apology is from me, to you."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "What transgression have you committed against me?"

"I...look, Dr. Adams made you fall in love with me, that much is true. But the fact is that I got the ball rolling. When he came in, the machine was on, and I was telling you about the night I met Dr. Noel."

Spock tensed at the name. "Ah. I see."

"But you don't. That's just it. I was telling you that...I had felt lonely, because it was Christmas time, and when you're alone, the holidays are hardest. So I went down to that party...to find my best friend: you."

"You wanted to spend your Christmas with me?" Spock said in surprise.

"Well I'm Jewish, so it's not technically _my_ Christmas," Jim grinned. "But you weren't there, so I started chatting it up with Dr. Noel. She was nice, and fairly intelligent...but not what I was looking for. And then I told you how when I kissed her under the mistletoe...I was wishing that I...was kissing...you."

There it was. Out in the open.

Spock was quiet.

"See the thing is, Spock, these past few months, you’ve come to mean so much to me. You're my right hand, my best friend, my confidant...and now you're..." Jim took a deep breath. "The man I love."

Spock didn't say anything.

"Listen, I know that Vulcans are very against anything involving feelings, but I've been bottling this up for a while. I never said anything because I was afraid of ruining our friendship. But after everything that happened today, I realized I had to tell you or else I was going to go insane."

Spock still remained silent.

"Spock, please say something," Jim said. "Curse me, laugh at me, just say something, _please_."

"Jim..." Spock's voice was very soft. "I..."

He took a deep breath, crossed the room, cupped Jim's face, and kissed him.

Jim let go of all tension he'd been holding in since seeing Dr. Noel on the transporter pad and kissed him back, letting his arms come up and encircle the other man's slim waist.

"Jim...my beloved..." Spock murmured.

Jim's eyes popped open. "Spock...this isn't just leftover influence from the neutralizer, is it?"

"No, Jim," Spock said, shaking his head. "The effect has faded. But my...regard for you...was in place before Dr. Adams turned on the machine. He merely brought the truth out of me."

Jim smiled. "I didn't think this was possible," he whispered, pressing his forehead against Spock's and rubbing their noses together.

Spock pulled him closer. "Nor did I."

Jim stretched up and kissed him again. "Just think...if it had been Dr. Noel who'd gone down to the planet with me instead of you, this might not be happening right now."

Spock growled. "I do not want to think of you and Dr. Noel together ever again."

Jim shivered with desire. "Me either. Is there..." Jim walked his fingers up Spock's upper arm. "Anything I can do to make you forget her?"

Spock smiled, and he leant down to sweep Jim up into another passionate kiss.


End file.
